Wondering who I am
by M.M. Lewis, March 2004
Lately I’ve been wondering who I am, personality-wise. I know who I am, I suppose, but not what I’m like. Everyone seems to be dropping not-too-subtle hints that I don’t do anything interesting. So what is it I do? What do I enjoy?
Writing. Always writing. Why? Gets thoughts out, for one. Better than talking to someone, because I can be absolutely honest. Harriet the Spy ran into some problems when she was that truthful, but sometimes the truth has to hurt. I need that release. What about stories? Why adventures? Heavily influenced by Ryan, most likely. I fell in love with his stories, the complexity and effort. Then there’s the prose. Some of it is just an outpouring of thought, but obviously Pirates and Cowboys don’t fit in there. Why do I like pretending I’m in love? Why do I create an ideal?
Reading, always reading. I read the kind of stories I want to write, for the most part. Adventures, yes, but also children’s books. What is it about juvenile literature that attracts me so much? Specifically, the fantasy/adventure genre? I guess it’s easy to read, but there’s depth. There are so many threads of meaning woven throughout the Prydain Chronicles, for example. And children’s books are usually free from violent or sexual tones.
Drawing, painting, sketching. It’s relaxing, and it’s a nice feeling to think that I’ve created something. The way watercolors blend interests me. How to capture the effects of light and shadow, of the gorgeous colors of nature. It’s a challenge. Maybe that’s part of why I like it.
Baking. Food tastes good. Again, the feeling that I’ve created something, been productive. And it’s relaxing somehow. There are steps to follow, exact measurements; if you do it right, you get a reward. But I think it’s more the idea of having precise steps that go in a certain order, and I can let my mind wander as long as I follow the instructions.
Surely there’s something else I enjoy…
-----
I think I’ve gotten to know and understand myself much better in the past six months. Maybe now I can try explaining what I’ve learned. Writing. Everyone needs some way of channeling thoughts and feelings, whether that’s through putting them down on paper, talking to someone, thinking situations through while exercising, and so on. For me, I can make better sense of what’s going through my head when I put pen to paper and let the thoughts flow out. Directions and patterns become clearer; ideas that need to be discarded stand out; cause and effect are laid out for me to see. Besides, I have a penchant for writing. It comes naturally, and feels like the natural thing to do.
Reading. It broadens the mind. “Man’s mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.” [Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.] I enjoy finding people who are talented at weaving stories, creating intricate plots and characters, along with authors who have wonderful voices and can communicate their own experiences in a beautiful way. Of course, there are also children’s books, which are entertaining stories on the surface but usually have the same extraordinary narration I appreciate so much in other literature.
Drawing, painting, sketching. Just to relax and to feel productive. It seems like a worthwhile endeavor.
Baking. I love feeling domestic, I confess. And doing something for other people. I like making food that other people will enjoy.
Laughing. Yes, it counts. It’s such a good feeling to take pleasure in the company of others, and have them take pleasure in my company. Having other people laugh at the amusing things I may say is definitely nice.
Smiling. Always makes me feel nice.
Talking about myself. Is that self-centered? Of course. But true, I do like to do that. Though I concede that it’s just as fun to get to know someone else as it is to let them get to know me. There’s something about being asked my opinions, my likes and dislikes, my goals and fears; it seems to reaffirm that I matter in some way.